What The Eye Doesn't See
by Idisch von Swedish
Summary: Femslash, student/teacher, Effniss and some Joniss. Modern-ish AU (characters based mostly on the films). Katniss is a talented freshman Fine Arts student. She's favoured by her teacher, the flamboyant and ever so gleeful Miss Trinket, and finds herself slowly falling for the older woman. Determined to find out if there's a mutual attraction, Katniss comes up with the perfect plan.
1. Prologue

**Femslash, student/teacher (Effniss and some Joniss). Modern-ish AU, set in a fictional America. The school is inspired by PennDesign (University of Pennsylvania School of Design).**

**DISCLAIMER:**  
**I do not own The Hunger Games, the original characters or any of the songs mentioned!**

* * *

**_Author's Note:_ **_I recently watched The Hunger Games and Catching Fire and became totally obsessed with them (going to see Mockingjay Part 1 soon). There aren't a lot of Effniss fics, I realized, and decided to write one myself. Since I have a tendency to start a lot of stories but never finish them (and hate to disappoint my readers) I've been waiting to publish this, but now it's all done! I'll be updating with a new chapter every day until New Years Eve.  
__Merry Christmas! (To everyone who might celebrate that tonight, I do.)_

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**Prologue**

"Peeta, I need your help," I state firmly.  
He looks at me, surprised but curious.  
"Of course, what do you need help with?"  
"Well, there is this..._person_ I kinda like and I wanna know if they like me back."  
"Oh, I see. Do I by any chance know this _person_?" Peeta asks teasingly, clearly amused.  
"Oh give me a break, you know we're practically enemies!"  
I know he's thinking of the feisty senior Johanna Mason, who happens to be the school band drummer and as we recently discovered: a lesbian. Plus, she hates me. I don't really know why.

Peeta laughs as he probably remembers how we used to joke about me dating her when I first came out to him. As a bisexual, that is. The current target for my love, however, is not Johanna. I have reasons not to give too many clues.  
"Come on Katniss, you can tell me."  
His voice is warm and caring. I almost give in to the urge to let him know but stand by my decision to keep it secret. It's for the best.  
"You don't need to know, I already have a plan. Are you gonna help me or not?"  
Peeta sighs, knowing I can be very stubborn when I choose to, then shrugs.  
"Fine, what do you want me to do?"  
I give him a smug face.  
"You're gonna pretend to be my boyfriend."


	2. Chapter 1 - Something In Your Eyes

**Something In Your Eyes**

Spring break is over and I enter the great brick building, serving as the Panem University of Aesthetics, with butterflies in my stomach. Glancing around looking for familiar faces, I see none. Hardly surprised I quietly proceed to my locker. I really don't have a lot of friends. After I've grabbed what I need for today's first lesson I stand still for a moment, lost in thought. Thoughts of _her_. It's indeed a she, Peeta isn't completely wrong. And it's indeed someone at our school. Only it's just not quite...  
"Good morning, Katniss!" calls an overly cheerful and oh so familiar voice, cutting off my train of thought.  
My heart flutters and a wave of nervousness washes through my body. It's _indeed_ one of my Fine Arts teachers. Fine Arts, which also happens to be my major. I manage to put a casual smile on before spinning around to face her.  
"Good morning, Miss Trinket."  
"Oh please, let's not be formal! It's still Effie, dear. Spring break doesn't change anything, does it?"

She's acting in her usual manner; wide never faltering smile, hands gesticulating vividly and then of course speaking with that overly cheery voice. Her outfit and makeup are as ridiculous as always. I notice her hair has changed again. As per now it's all up, forming roses dyed in different shades of pink. She's annoyingly exaggerated, well, so I used to think. But not anymore. I've found myself actually liking it, finding it cute. Finding _her_ cute. I feel myself blushing awkwardly and avert my eyes. Spring break has changed everything.

* * *

It was a slow process, I reckon. Just like everybody else I thought she was annoying and over the top at first. Her outrageous dresses, excessive makeup and flamboyant hairstyles - more suitable for masquerades. Her facade of being tirelessly happy at all times. Inevitably, the students were mocking her. Behind her back of course, but she knew. It would never get into my head to join them though. I'm just not that person. I don't need to make fun of other people to feel good myself. Drawing and Painting, which she teaches, is also my favourite subject so naturally I aimed for top grade from day one. I wouldn't want to spoil my chances of getting a good grade by making fun of the teacher, that would've been nothing but stupid. It has never bothered me to be an outsider. I don't care much what others think. Perhaps it's the same for her. She's clearly unique.

Perhaps it was because of my artistic talent. Maybe because I refused to deride her. Somehow though, I managed to become something of a teacher's pet. I know I'm her favourite cause she often shows my work to the rest of the class, proudly exclaiming:  
"This is exactly what I assigned you to do! Well done, Katniss!"  
She asked early on if she could use my work as a "good example" in the other year groups as well and I gave my permission, which I later kind of regretted due to being teased by the other students for it. I decided not to say anything though, I could live with a little teasing and as of now no one seems to care anymore. Also it wasn't like they were wrong when they called me a 'teacher's pet'. I know I was. I am. She always seems genuine when praising me, which she does a lot. Her cheerfulness and beaming smile appears less fake when she's talking about me. There's something in her eyes.

I didn't give it much thought during my first semester. She was just simply there, like the rest of the teachers. I met Peeta, from the Architecture freshman class, and we became friends. By the time of Christmas we had grown pretty close and it was during Christmas break particular feelings and thoughts came to my attention. They had sneaked up on me, developing slowly so that I didn't notice right ahead. At my weekend job at one of the local cafes, Coffee &amp; Cream, I'm usually busy with my tasks. This holiday I was also working extra at a factory, needing all the money I can get. I was lucky to receive a scholarship that covers my studies but all other costs I have to pay for myself. Living at campus is not free, even though I have a shared room and only pay for one meal a day while most others pay for two. While I should be focusing at my work however, I found myself thinking about my teacher. Effie. She is one of the tutors that doesn't live on campus and therefore doesn't visit much during holidays. To my surprise I missed her. At first I just felt silly, explaining it away with missing the adequate equipment they had at school. I wanted to believe I was just unused to the sudden lack of affirmation, Effie had surely spoiled me in that matter. If I would miss someone, shouldn't it be Peeta? He was my friend and had gone on a holiday trip with his family so we didn't see each other for most of the holiday. But it wasn't with him my mind was occupied. I couldn't _like_ her, could I? I was in denial for a while but eventually, and reluctantly, had to admit that this was indeed the case. I _did_ like her.

For a few days everything felt back in order again. Nothing wrong with thinking one's teacher is kind of nice, right? But when Peeta came back and we associated again all I wanted to talk about was Effie. Things she'd done, comments she'd made, even outfits she'd worn! I had to bite my tounge several times. Suddenly this _liking_ was escalating alarmingly fast. When Peeta astonished told me about how he had seen Johanna Mason making out with a girl at a cafe the other day I finally knew for sure. In my mind I imagined myself sitting at the cafe, replacing Johanna with Effie. It felt so right, yet so very impossible. I just blurted out that I wouln't mind beeing in her shoes, which made Peeta ask who I was referring to exactly. I blushed and said "No one!" before explaining that I thought I might be bisexual due to feeling attracted to girls recently. Obviously this was the event which led to the jokes about me dating Johanna. It had nothing to do with her though. It had nothing to do with being attracted to _girls_ either. It had all to do with me having more than friendly feelings towards my fourteen years older teacher.

* * *

Here I stand now, three months later, feeling awkward and paranoid she might read my mind. A mild buzz alerts me something is wrong before black dots starts to invade my vision. I realize I've been so tense I've forgotten to breathe for God knows how long. Gasping urgently for oxygen, I try not to pant too noticeably as I don't want any attention drawn to me. Of course actually fainting would draw far more attention but I'm pretty sure I have the situation under control.  
"Are you quite alright, dear?" I hear Effie ask, with actual concern in her voice.  
I'm yet not in a state able to answer. My already racing heart gets an extra boost when I feel her hand being gently placed on my upper arm. Suddenly the idea of pretending to faint in her arms is very tempting but I restrain myself. It wouldn't be right and, not to mention, unnecessarily embarrassing.  
"I'm fine," I reply as soon as I trust my voice and legs.  
She lets her hand linger and it feels like some sort of achievement. A quick smile eludes me and I decide to end this conversation before I make a total fool of myself. Glancing at the wall clock, looking for an excuse, I am relieved to discover it's almost time for class. Stifling my smirk I look back at Effie. "I have to go to class," I inform her, trying to give a casual impression. Her hand moves away and the usual cheery Effie is back. "Yes, mine!" she states with an enthusiastic smile. Right, that was probably not my most thought through excuse in life. Total fool already. Part of me regret deciding against the fainting idea. It would probably have been as awkward but with more benefits. Effie seems unaware of my mistake though. Sometimes I wonder if she just chooses not to see or understand certain things, cause I know she's not completely brainless in _all _respects. Only she choose to appear that way.

"Peeta!"  
I hurry through the corridor, spotting the blonde lad ahead of me.  
"Peeta, wait!"  
He stops and lits up when he sees me.  
"Hey, what's up?"  
I nervously glance around before leaning closer so he can hear me despite all noise.  
"You remember our deal, right?" I hiss anxiously.  
"Yeah?" he replies, batting an eye.  
I give him an expectant look when he doesn't initiate anything. Suddenly it dawns on him.  
"Oh, you mean...like.. Should we kiss or something?"  
I catch sight of Effie from the corner of my eye and my heart skips a beat. This is my moment. Any second now. She pitter-patters closer in her high heels and catches my eye. My wished scenario plays out perfectly in my mind but in reality I'm paralyzed. I look away and feel her gaze burn on my back.  
"No. Not yet. False alarm!"  
I let out a nervous laugh, feeling rather pathetic. Glancing sideways to see Effie proceed through the corridor I start to feel less uneasy though. The immediate danger is over.  
"Is there anything wrong?"  
I shake my head in denial.  
"Not really, but I almost fainted in front of Effie..I mean Miss Trinket this morning."  
I could've bitten my tongue. No one but me ever calls her Effie and I don't do it officially cause I don't want to spur people into mocking me, for being a teacher's pet, again.  
"Wow, but, you're alright now?"  
"Yeah, I just forgot to breathe for a while so... Nothing major."  
"Well, that's odd," Peeta states with a frown.  
Mentally slapping myself, I try to think of a believable explanation. Coming up blank, of course, I just shrug and hope he doesn't question me further. Conversations aren't going so well for me today.

* * *

I kind of coped with my growing feelings for Effie during the beginning of the year, settling down within the 'new me'. Valentine's Day was, not surprisingly, sadder than ever but I made it through the day with chocolate and comedies. As the snow melted away though, people started to spend more time outdoors. This included annoying couples taking cute walks in the neighbourhood. They would hold hands, sit entangled on benches and snog openly, not caring about unhappy singles like me. I couldn't stand it. Not that I begrudged them their happiness but they just reminded me too much of what I didn't have.

It wasn't until spring break things got really intense. A plan started to form in my head, I was going to find a way to find out how she really felt about me. I _needed_ to know, else I couldn't move on. Since she treated me with favour I couldn't help thinking she might reciprocate my feelings. It was most certainly foolish, cause she was my teacher and I was a talented student. Of course she liked me. I enhanced her reputation and on top of everything I was one of the few who treated her decently. But the fact that she favoured me wasn't just a bit unfair to the other students, it was clearly unprofessional. There ought to be a valid reason behind and I am going to try one of my theories out.

* * *

Mondays Peeta and I both have the afternoons free and usually study together, today not an exception. We obviously don't take the same classes since we're in different programs but a little company doesn't hurt while analyzing da Vinci's career, for example. Today though, I don't get much work done. I'm not surprised Peeta agreed to go along with my plan, what surprises me is that he barely argued about it. He was simply the kind and faithful Peeta I've been fortunate to get to know, being an amazing friend. I am lucky to have him. Nonetheless I still haven't made any action of my ideas. It's tempting to postphone until tomorrow but then I fear I'll just keep procrastinating it. Despite my urge to know I'm terrified of the response. What if she doesn't like me back? And what if she does?! What if my plan doesn't work at all? There's too many "ifs" and they're killing me. Figuratively speaking of course. I should just get it over with.

"Earth to Katniss, I repeat, Earth to Katniss, over!" Peeta banters, speaking through an imaginary megaphone.  
I give him an apologizing smile.  
"Sorry, I was lost in thought."  
"Yeah, I figured. Thinking about someone _special_?"  
"Maybe..."  
Peeta smiles and tackles me gently with his muscular shoulder.  
"What do you think of your chances with her?"  
I sigh longingly.  
"I don't know, Peeta. That's what I'm gonna try to find out. It doesn't seem to be going so well though. I'm too nervous!"  
I check the wall clock and estimate how much time there's left until we must go. Effie's last class for the day ends at four pm. She's not living at campus so I have to arrange this _scene_ before she leaves.  
"It's gonna be okay, Katniss. I'm gonna support you whatever happens."  
"You're too good to me!" I say and give him a firm hug.  
With his strong and comforting arms around me I feel the anxiousness ease off a bit.  
"Are you ready for some snogging then?"  
Peeta's eyes widen and I giggle at him.  
"I'm just kidding, a simple kiss will be enough. I promise I'll try my best making it good but I must warn you, I'm not an experienced kisser."  
"Well, me neither. We'll just keep our expectations low then," he states with a smirk. "Ready to go?"

We enter through the main entrance, passing under the big Panem University logo. We're holding hands, trying to get into character. This just _has_ to work, or I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I look up at the wall clock, which saved me this morning, and takes a deep breath. It's four o'clock sharp.  
"Let's go to the Painting Hall."  
I drag Peeta with me and just when we round the last corner i see the door opening to said hall. I have his hand in a firm grip and my palms feel sweaty. The students start herding out and I pray to the God I don't believe in that Effie won't stay behind. My prayer is heard and the butterflies in my stomach do flips of excitement when I see her. She quickly locks the door and tip toes after the students in our direction.

As the first students walk by I grab Peeta and spin him around so he's facing me. From this position I can see Effie, but he can't. I decisively press my lips against his, initially closing my eyes. He kisses me back softly and when I open my eyes again, his are still closed. I steal a discreet glance at Effie. There is nothing cheery about her now, that's for sure. Ill-concealed disappointment more accurately. She catches my eye and quickly looks away, realizing I've been watching. I can see how she squares her shoulders while putting her chin up and smile on, pretending to be unperturbed. Eventually walking past us she doesn't honor me a single glance. She doesn't smile at me. She definitely does _not_ come over to chat. I feel strangely rejected, this is so unlike her. But then of course I've never been kissing anyone practically in front of her. There's more to it than that though. I just can't comprehend it yet. But I know what I saw. She got disappointed. Now, does that make me any wiser? I think it does actually.

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_**Author's Note:** Hope you like it so far! A hint: search for the chapter titles on YouTube and listen to the top result ;)  
__Reviews are always appreciated.  
Cheers!_


	3. Chapter 2 - What About My Dreams

_**Author's note: **Here's chapter two, it's a bit short but I hope you don't mind. To clarify: Haymitch is Katniss' dad.  
Merry Christmas!_

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**What About My Dreams**

I'm lying on my bed, staring up the ceiling. It's Wednesday and I have been avoiding Effie since Peeta and I had our little display two days ago. Tomorrow I have to face her though, since I have my drawing class in the afternoon. My phone is ringing but I know who it is and judging by the time of day I don't want to answer this call, for specific reasons. Most students here live at campus. Most also go home during holidays. I don't. I've not been home since I arrived here in September last year. If I can even call it 'home' anymore. It's kind of sad actually, but I'm better off alone than with my dad. He's the only one I have left since my grandparent's died and he's a heavy drinker. My parents are both an only child so there never were any aunts or uncles to stay with. Mum and my little sister died in a car accident when I was eleven. Some drunk driving on the wrong side of the way, killing himself in the crash as well. To cope dad started drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. How ironic, right? After the first intense period of mourning he managed to keep up appearances, being able to stay sober enough to keep his job.

He was never a mean drunk, just sad. As a child I didn't know what to do, other than trying my best to care for him and cover up when he struggled. It was shameful, no one could know. It still is, but I've liberated myself from him and we're not living our lives in symbiosis anymore. When I was in high school he got worse and lost his job. Still depending on him to be there for me, or probably the other way around really, I started working at evenings and weekends. I had to, to prevent social services from taking me away from him. But there's a limit to how much a person can do before breaking down. I was taken from my dad during my senior year after collapsing in class for, to them, no intelligble reason. The facade I had maintained for so long crackled and I was put in a home for people like myself. Getting time to rest I recovered rather quickly. I managed to graduate and he attended to the graduation, almost creating a scene. I got him out of there and drove him home.

During the summer I visited a few times, most recently rigth before I went here. Panem University of Aesthetics. A dream come true. If I only had a family to share my happiness and success with. I still haven't made up with my dad, not fully. And it's late so he's most certainly just going to whine something incoherent. At least I have Peeta. He knows about my dad as well as my sexuality. When things are bad he always makes me feel better. Which is good cause tonight I feel like whining a bit myself actually. Monday's event went alright but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm trying to hurt someone I love on purpose, how wicked is that? With a sigh I get up and leave the room I share with my classmate Vicky. She's alright. Quiet and tidy. During our first semester she was badly bullied for her hair colour, given the nickname 'Foxface', until I stood up for her. She's been grateful ever since but neither of us is the overly social type.

I cross the courtyard separating the Fine Arts students' building from the Architecture students' and enter through the east door. Each grade has their own section with dorm rooms, bathrooms and kitchen but share entrance and common room with one other grade. This year the freshmen share with the sophomores and the juniors share with the seniors. There's no rules against visiting other grades' sections but of practical reasons you usually stay in your own. Because of this, several curious faces turn to me when I enter the Southeast Common Room. I notice Peeta by a round table, chatting with his older cousin Finnick and another guy I don't quite recognize. Peeta waves at me to join them and I head over, plopping down in an empty seat.

"Hi guys," I greet, not sure what else to say.  
All three guys greet me back and then a moment of awkward silence follows. Peeta is the one to break it.  
"This is Katniss, my um..."  
"...crazy friend who doesn't know how to introduce herself," I complete the sentence with a forced smile.  
Peeta glances at me and I can't really tell what he's thinking. Then he tries to play along, smiling causally when looking back at the others who both are grinning. The plan was never to pretend to be together in front of the _entire school_ but I guess I wasn't explicit enough when I told him about it.  
"I'm Finnick, but you already knew that. We've met before, studying the same program and all."  
Finnick has a sweet voice, fitting well to his gorgeous looks. Apparently he has a sense of humour as well.  
"I'm Gale, the school band bassist."  
"Yeah, and I play the..." Finnick adds, playing on an air guitar, "...guitar."  
"Yeah, cool. You're good! I've been at a few of your gigs."  
"Thanks," Finnick says, examining me with his gaze. "Besides being an amazing artist, you don't happen to be a good singer, do you?"  
I'm taken aback by his words. Amazing artist? Then I remember Effie's eagerness to show my work and feel my cheeks redden, both from modesty and all the feelings thinking of Effie brings up.  
"Miss Trinket is rather fond of you, I think you've noticed," Finnick adds when he sees my confusion.  
The fact that I still don't know if he's kidding or mocking me makes me wary.  
"Yeah, so?"  
"Eease up girl, I'm not making fun of anyone. You _are_ very talanted. And we all know Miss Trinket, she's one of a kind."  
She really is. But I don't want to talk about her out of fear of giving my secret away. I give him a faint smile and decide to change the subject.  
"Thanks. About that other thing. You asked if I was a good singer, why?"  
It's Gale who answers.  
"Cashmere and Johanna have never more than tolerated each other and during spring break they had a big fight. Cashmere refuses to be part of the band anymore so basically we have no lead vocalist. We can cope without one but...it's not preferable."  
"Well, I can _sing_ but I'm not sure I'm good enough for you. Plus, Johanna is not very fond of me either so I guess your previous problem would recur."  
I seem to have gotten their attention and no one really cares about my doubts.  
"Don't worry about Johanna, she doesn't like anyone before really knowing them. Cashmere can be a real bitch and you don't seem like her at all," Finnick ensures me. "You could join us at tomorrow's practise and have a go."  
He's giving me an encouraging smile and Gale looks approving as well.  
"Come on Katniss! You have an amazing voice, I know you'll do great!" Peeta enthusiastically pushes me.  
With a determined look I meet Finnick's eyes and nod.  
"Okay, I'll give it a try."  
"Great! Meet me at the back entrance at five."

After chatting for over an hour I decide I better head back to my room. I have to deal with a lot of things tomorrow and need to be well rested.  
"I think I'm gonna call it a night," I declare, preparing to stand.  
"Oh, yeah it's a bit late," Peeta agrees.  
"I'm coming with you, I have an Art History test tomorrow morning and Mrs Enobarbus is a witch. You don't wanna be late for her classes!"  
Finnick aimes the last sentence directly to me and I gulp. He's not the first to warn me for this teacher.  
"She doesn't teach any freshman classes this year, I've only had Mr Flavius."  
"Lucky bastard."  
He winks at me and we stand simultaneously.  
"Good night fellas, see you tomorrow!"  
I wave quietly, deciding Finnick spoke for both of us.  
"See ya!" Gale and Peeta reply in union.

It's cold outside and I'm glad it's barely fifty yards to my door. I don't expect Finnick to talk to me during this short walk but he does.  
"Sorry for asking, but what was that thing with Peeta earlier?"  
"What thing?"  
I'm afraid I know the answer.  
"You seem to have different views of your relationship."  
"We're not together if that's what you're asking. He's my best friend."  
"I'm not sure he sees you as just a friend."  
I get angry with myself for not telling Peeta all the details from the start. Then Finnick and I wouldn't have this conversation.  
"It was just a joke we made the other day. Don't read too much into it."  
"I see."  
He doesn't seem too convinced but leaves it be.  
"Well, my door is over there so... I guess I'll see you tomorrow. And hear you sing, I look forward to that."  
I smile and we part. Why can't things ever be simple? There's always trouble and difficulties. I guess that's just how it is, though. Life.


	4. Chapter 3 - Won't Tell Anybody

**Won't Tell Anybody**

Lunch break is almost over and I'm about to exit the canteen when I see her. Pink hair, spring green dress and silvery eye shadow. And extremely high heels, she's almost taller than me for a change. Turning away before noticing me I let out a relieved sigh. I better confront her as soon as possible though, cause Drawing is my next class. Determined I follow her as she heads towards the Drawing Room. Too late I realize there are going to be other students waiting outside the classroom and I definitely do _not_ want a public conversation. Launching forward to stop her I nearly knock her over as she trips on aforementioned ridiculously high heels.

"Watch it!" she calls out with an embarrassed laugh, regaining her balance. "Someone could get..."  
Her smile diminishes as her eyes fall on me.  
"...hurt..."  
The faintest hint of sadness flashes in her eyes and the ambiguity is almost comical. Before speaking she puts on her usual gleeful expression though.  
"I believe you have something important to talk to me about?"  
Obviously, I wouldn't have _attacked_ her otherwise.  
"Um, yeah. I have. Well..."  
I remind myself to breathe this time but my ability to find words seems to have disappeared. Time is almost up for class and I feel pressured.  
"I..."  
A silence follows and my eyes roam about, afraid to meet hers.

"I'm sorry Katniss, I'm needed in class. Is it urgent?"  
I quietly shake my head.  
"Then I suggest we have a chat after class. Come on now!"  
She takes the lead and I follow, looking like a beaten dog. Rounding the corner I feel everyone's gazes on me and toughen up. I see this popular girl Glimmer saying something to her companion Clove, who gives me a contemptuous smile. Their minion Marvel eyes me with ill-concealed disdain, his nose up in the air like I'm beneath him. Which I technically am since he's really tall. Those three are a real pain in the ass sometimes. Glimmer being the younger sister of Cashmere I kind of understand Johanna actually. If Cashmere is anything like her sister I'm surprised they even let her be part of the band in the first place.

I have a hard time focusing so I decide to take a break and just sketch randomly. Not really paying attention I start with roses, just like the ones Effie's hair is shaped into.  
"Hey, did you know that Johanna Mason is gay?"  
"No way!"  
"Well, we all knew there was _something_ wrong with her."  
I listen up, suddenly curious. Glimmer is never late to pick up rumors and this one is relevant to me since I already know. Peeta and I never told anyone what he saw though, thinking she'd probably tell people if she wanted them to know. Someone else must've seen something.  
"How do you know anyway? Who told you?" Clove asks suspiciously.  
She is probably the smartest of the three, practising at least some source criticism. Other than being smart she's just pure evil. That soul of hers is seriously damaged.  
"Cash saw her get dumped by her girlfriend. Well, ex now."  
"Wow, here at campus?"  
"No, at some cafe down the city. Not far away from where we live."  
I wonder if it was the same cafe as during Christmas. Doesn't sound too smart to go out within the blondes' territory though. Perhaps she didn't think about it. The sisters live at campus but I've understood they visit home often, having their parents within walking distance. A bit like Peeta, his family lives in the suburbs just a few miles outside town.

"And you know what happened then?"  
I glance over at their table and notice I'm not the only one who doesn't get much work done.  
"When my sister told her she had seen her at the cafe she was devastated. Apparently she didn't plan to come out during her studies at the university."  
I understand perfectly well why she would wait.  
"Anyway, she asked my sister not to tell anyone but, well, this isn't the news you keep quiet about."  
"You're bloody right! It's gonna be fun to finally get to that bitch."  
Clove again, giving me chills speaking with such malevolence. Despite not being on good terms with Johanna I feel like I should warn her somehow.  
"What happened then?" Marvel wants to know.  
"Johanna went all crazy chick on her so she ditched the band. They are just losers anyway."  
"But Finnick is pretty hot."  
"Yeah, but not single. His cousin Peeta doesn't look too bad either but he hangs out with Katniss and we don't wanna associate with such freaks, do we?" Upon hearing my name I quickly look back at my sketch to not get caught eavesdropping. Blushing I realize I've drawn not only Effie's hair, but an actual portrait down to her shoulders. The focus isn't on her facial features but it's nonetheless a picture of her.

I feel the hair on the back of my neck prickle as I get aware someone is standing behind me, silently glancing over my shoulder. I place my arm over the sketch in apprehension. My eyes shoot to Effie's seat, only to find it empty. _Shit!_  
"A nice sketch Katniss, but not quite the assignment."  
A hint of amusement can be heard in her voice, assuring me she's at least not upset. That makes me feel a bit on the safe side and I am actually able to respond, unlike my stammering before.  
"I know, I just needed a break," follows my excuse. I shyly glance up at her. "And your hair is really nice."  
Seriously? 'Your hair is really nice'? I couldn't have said anything _lamer_? Her eyes dart from side to side, as if she's worried someone has heard. If she hadn't wore so much makeup I bet her cheeks would've reddened. All for a sketch and a simple compliment, boy must I be special. Suddenly I feel much more in control of the situation. Seeing Effie unsettled, knowing it's _me_ making her feel that way, gives me a sense of power I've never felt before.  
"Well, thank you!"  
She inhales quickly and straightens up, putting on her hallmark smile before walking away. When she has left I carefully move my arm away to look at the sketch I've drawn. I smile, it's not bad. I'd like to keep it but I'm unsure if that's a good idea. Deciding it'll probably be safe enough I keep it in the folder where I carry my other drawings. With the butterflies in my stomach fed with further hope I try my best to concentrate during the remaining hour of class.

The room is finally empty, aside from Effie and me, and I suddenly start doubting this idea. What am I going to say? I can't just blatantly ask her how she feels, as little as I can declare my own feelings without making things weird. I wonder if... Yeah, that could work.  
"Come here Katniss, I believe you wanted to speak with me," Effie says, directing me at a chair in front of her desk.  
I head over, slowly placing myself in the chair. She looks at me expectantly.  
"Since I have most classes with you I feel I'm closer to you than to the other teachers. I would like to ask for some..."  
I pause for effect and my brain takes the opportunity to throw in ridiculous suggestions like 'snogging' and 'sex'. This is not what I'm planning to ask for though.  
"...advice."  
"Of course, I'll try to answer best I can. I'm glad you're giving me the confidence."  
I reciprocate her sincere smile, both much more relaxed now when on our own.  
"What kind of advice are you looking for?"  
"Well... I think I have feelings for someone but I'm not sure if they like me back."  
For a moment I see a look of devastation on her face but she quickly recovers. The sincere smile doesn't come back though.  
"I see. I assume you haven't talked to them about how you feel?"  
"Not yet."  
"Have any of you done anything that would indicate that you are...that you are more than friends?"  
She's clearly struggling now, thinking about mine and Peeta's kiss of course, and while I strangely enjoy this I feel like a terrible person.  
"I wouldn't exactly describe us as _friends_ but I guess you could say that we have, yeah. A little."  
She's perplexed by this and I don't blame her, if I didn't know what I knew I would be too. I haven't told a single lie but I have definitely been letting her think I'm talking about someone else. I decide it's time for the grand finale.

"Have you ever felt for someone, knowing it would probably never work out even if they in fact loved you back?"  
Her eyes widen and I finally know. I really know this time, that I'm right. I can see in her eyes that my words are spot on and right in the middle of my satisfaction I suddenly feel sad. For her, but also for me. For _us_. I've been focusing so intensely on how _she_ feels that I've almost forgotten about myself. And another important thing: does it even matter how we feel? Can we be together even if we both consent? I honestly don't know and to be fair I'm not very hopeful. I reckon the school has pretty strict rules regarding such relationships, one being a teacher and the other being a student. A freshman not to mention, over three years ahead of me before graduation. The odds are definitely not in our favour.

"I have to say yes, I have actually. If you are experiencing something similar I am sorry, but perhaps things aren't as hopeless as you predict? I'm sure you can work it out if you just tell him how you feel."  
I decide to ignore her implying it's a boy, knowing she probably still thinks it's Peeta. I am known to have a great pokerface at times so she might not just yet be able to read me.  
"Since when have you felt this way? Why haven't you told them how you feel?"  
Reversing the roles, I make her noticeably anxious.  
"Since when...? I never said it was a current issue, or anything about not having told them."  
She smiles nervously and start fidgeting with her hands, avoiding eye contact.  
"Why don't we concentrate on you here, hm?" she suggests, trying to dodge my questions.  
"I believe that's what we are doing actually."  
"What do you mean?"  
Her brain is working feverishly and my heart finally awakens from its calm and start speeding up.  
"You can tell me. I won't judge you."  
Her breath hitches and fear flashes in her sky blue eyes.  
"And you don't have to be afraid, I won't tell anyone. I promise."  
I'm on pins and needles, waiting for her to say something.

"Why are you doing this?" she finally asks with small voice.  
"Cause I want to know! I'm tired of guessing."  
"Okay, I understand that."  
I feel her defences break down, progressing towards a confession.  
"And since you already seem to have figured it out there's no need to pretend anymore. I just hope you understand that telling anyone, and I mean _anyone_, else will put my job at stake. If you wish to keep me as your teacher you have to keep quiet about this. But perhaps you don't want anything to do with me anymore and I won't blame you."  
"I already told you, I don't judge you and I won't tell a soul."  
She takes a deep breath and exhale slowly.  
"I do like you. I have feelings for you a teacher shouldn't have towards their student and I'm _really_ sorry I couldn't hide them better..." Her voice breaks and there I have it. The confession I've requested for so long. I should be pleased now. Seeing the pain I'm guilty of evoking makes me feel terrible though. Perhaps if she knows how _I_ feel it'll get better? Or it'll get worse.  
"Don't be sorry. It's alright."  
"It's most certainly not!"  
"Yes it is, cause it doesn't change how I feel about you! You're my favourite teacher and... I kinda like you too."  
There, I said it. This is a lot for poor Effie to take in at once and she looks like she's about to cry, from confusion if nothing else.  
"I think we should continue this talk another time. It's... It's just a little overwhelming," she says, her voice trembling slightly.  
Despite her inner tumoil she still manages to keep her head high. I wish I could do the same but I'm too exhausted.  
"Yeah. We could meet somewhere more...privat," I suggest.  
She nods and gives me a faint smile.  
"I'll stay in touch."  
"I hope so."

God, how bad I want to just hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright. But even though there's no audio recording at campus there are in fact security cameras. Not monitored, but still. Better to be safe than sorry. Smiling reassuringly I look her in the eyes one last time before I leave. I'm feeling rather lighthearted, finally having some things off my chest, yet weighed down by my concerns for the final outcome of it all. The definition of mixed feelings is right inside me and I silently wonder how I'm going to cope with meeting the band in half an hour.


	5. Chapter 4 - Left Outside Alone

**Left Outside Alone**

Getting bored from waiting for Finnick I decide to try to locate the band room myself. It's not on the first nor second floor I reckon, since I know all the rooms there. The most logical would be to put the noisy instruments somewhere away from classrooms and offices. Of course, the basement! I head towards the stairwell and go down a flight of stairs. Down in the basement I hear a faint drumming sound, guiding me to the second door on the left. Far too curious for my own good I try to press the handle down, slowly pushing the door open and peeking inside.

The noise is definitely anything but faint now with nothing muting it. Johanna is playing the drums as if her life depended on it, stopping abruptly as soon as she notices me. Her eyes and nose are red and some of her heavy black eyeliner is ruined from what I believe must have been tears. I never thought I'd see Johanna in this state. She's always been that cool senior all the freshmen, and even sophomores, fear.  
"Who the fuck are you and what are you doing here?"  
I gulp, perhaps I should've waited outside. She continues before I have the chance to answer.  
"Came to harass me, did you? Like everyone else in this whooole fucking school! But you know what? Fuck that! I don't take your shit so you can shove it back up your sorry ass!"  
She's like a cornered stray cat, I tell myself. Snarling and sputtering at everything and everyone just in case they might want to hurt her. It has nothing to do with me personally.  
"That's not why I'm here," I try to explain, but she doesn't seem to take notice.  
"You don't have a _fucking_ clue what it's like! You don't _know_...!"  
She breaks into tears and once again I never thought I'd be in this situation. Deciding I can't possibly leave _now_ I instead step into the room and close the door. I believe there's really just one way to get through to her.

"I _do_ have a clue and I'm thankful it wasn't me who got outed. I'm already made fun of because Miss Trinket favours me and another reason to bully me could as well have me killed."  
Johanna's sobbing ceases and she looks at me with disbelief.  
"You? Gay?"  
"Well, kind of. I have this...crush..."  
Pleasantly surprised by this answer she stands and walks over to me, wiping her tears. Realizing she's ruined her makeup even more she looks down at her soiled hand, letting out a sigh.  
"Shit..."  
She meets my gaze, extending her clean hand instead. Her eyes are brown and surprisingly warm. I would've expected them to be more fierce, more venomous, but perhaps a day of humiliation takes its toll.  
"I could use an ally," she admits. "What's your name?"  
I firmly shake her hand.  
"Katniss."  
"Oh, the probable soon to be vocalist! Sorry I yelled at you before, I've just had a _really_ rough day."

Johanna tells me about how the band was formed, back in her and Finnick's freshman year. Apparently they both shared an interest in music and became friends. Both great with the instrument they played, Finnick came up with the idea to start a band. He has been band leader ever since. Johanna lets out an ironic laugh and tells me she was even more headstrong back then. If someone disagreed with her she just pointed them towards the door and kicked them out. Everything had to be her way. She and Finnick had a few fight's but she realized she wasn't diplomatic enough to lead a band. She admits Finnick has done an amazing job these years, guiding the band through both good and bad times.

"He didn't even raise an eyebrow when I told him I was dating Lavinia."  
Upon mentioning what appears to be her ex's name Johanna's eyes narrow slightly. She mutters something about a 'stupid bitch' and I believe she's trying not to show how hurt she is.  
"It was the same for me when I told Peeta about my crush. Their families are really nice."  
"Yeah, I believe they are."  
"I would appreciate if you didn't tell anyone that I have a gay crush, though. I kinda wanna keep it secret. Not even Peeta knows who it is. Just that it's, you know, not a boy."  
"My lips are sealed."  
"Thanks. What about you? Who knew about it before the news were all over campus?"  
"Just the band members really. Except Cash, obviously. I knew she wouldn't keep it to herself if she knew. She freaked out when she learned as well, came to my room later and was really pissed off I hadn't told her. Went on about how filthy I was and hell knows all the mean stuff she yelled. It led to our biggest fight ever. At one point I think I even pulled her hair. I told her to shut up about what she knew or she'd get kicked out of the band. She said she didn't even wanted to be in the band anymore and never had. For some reason she felt like _today_ was an opportune time to release the 'big news'."  
"Wow," is all I can answer.

"There you are! I thought we agreed on meeting at the back entrance. _Then_ I was gonna show you the way here."  
I get worried Finnick is angry with me but then he winks at me and I know he's just pretending to be mad.  
"Well, she found her way down here on her own, didn't she?" Johanna points out sharply.  
"Defending her already, Miss Mason? I'm touched, I must admit. I didn't know you had it in you."  
"Oh shut up, you twat! Shall we get this audition started _today_ or are you planning on keeping us here all night?"  
"Watch your manners, Mason! I would love to degrade you to do the dishes."  
She rolls her eyes in annoyance and walks back to the drum set.  
"I'd love to see you try."  
I'm glad the usual cocky Johanna is back. Her sudden vulnerability earlier unsettled me, even if it in fact proved to be great for bonding. She went to the bathroom earlier to freshen up and put new makeup on. Except her nose and cheeks still being a tiny bit red her face doesn't show she's been crying.

There's an unfamiliar girl present, introducing herself as 'Madge'. She tells me she's a sophomore Fine Arts student and plays the piano.  
"Keyboard in the band though, a piano isn't very portable," she jokes, her voice bright and soft. "I sing too, but I don't like to be in the spotlight. I usually just do backing vocals and harmonies."  
She's fair skinned and light blonde. Her icy blue eyes meet my gray ones briefly before shifting down as she walks off to get the keyboard started. Quite the opposite of Johanna, in almost every aspect. Shy, fair, soft. Their clothes not to mention, Madge wearing light garments and Johanna dressed all in black. I highly suspect that the senior doesn't own anything _not_ black. When everyone seemes settled Finnick finally turns to me.  
"Welcome to our humble studio, Katniss! We are the Panem Audio Assassins, Pay's for short, and these are our arguably sane members."

He tells me about a gig they have this very weekend, at a local club called 'The Cornucopia'. They have put together a handful of songs they can manage without a lead singer, not wanting to cancel. It wasn't very hard though, he explains, since they usually just cover songs and don't have a lot of material of their own; in other words, a lot of tracks to choose from.  
"But if you do well today we're gonna want you with us Saturday night," he states.  
"You're lucky I'm free this Sunday then, for once."  
"Yeah, because we're getting free drinks afterwards!"  
"I don't drink."  
The usual awkward silence never settles cause Finnick just shrugs and acts all casual.  
"Oh well. Just make sure you have fun, because it's gonna be awesome."  
"I don't wanna be a kill-joy, but don't you think we should actually hear her _sing_ before we make up all sorts of plans?" Johanna impatiently suggests.  
"I hear what you're saying, Miss Mason, and I will consider it."  
She looks like she's about to explode, the red highlights in her spiky black hair almost catching fire.

After I've been singing a few songs, both with and without accompanying music, Finnick puts his palms together and smile broadly.  
"Peeta was absolutely right, you have an amazing voice. Not quite as tough as Cashmere's but that's not gonna be an issue. I think Madge and you will sound beautiful together! Better than she and Cashmere ever did. I'm still gonna sing the One Direction covers though. Seems suitable, don't you think? They are a boy band afterall. I also believe you'll be happy with just three songs, correct me if I'm wrong, as you don't have a lot of stage experience."  
"You know, I've thought about this and I wanna add a bonus track," Johanna interrupts. "I think Katy Perry's 'I Kissed A Girl' will be perfect to finish with. Like a punch in the face to everyone that insulted me today. And believe me, they're gonna be there. I could sing it if you don't want to, Katniss. I don't want you to have to deal with my shit."  
I just nod dumbly while the others contemplate this suggestion carefully.  
"I believe you're right, Mason, it'll be great," Finnick approves.  
"I always am and of course it will."

For the remainder of the evening I try to learn the lyrics by heart. I barely have two days until I'm going to preform and even though I know most of the songs I don't know them _that_ well. When I finally go to sleep I dream about Johanna in her black leather jacket, rivets and chains glistening in the dark, black makeup streaming down her face. She smashes her drums until they are completely wrecked and then Cashmere shows up all of a sudden. She points at me and laughs haughtily. I try to run away but I'm paralyzed. Glimmer and Clove approaches from behind me and rip off my clothes before I even have the time to react. Johanna is now lying quiet on the floor with Cashmere's high heels digging into her back. Standing on top of her the blonde talks into a microphone, her gaze burning on my bare skin.  
"You can _never_ replace me!" she asserts.  
Desperatly trying to find something to cover myself with I hastily glance around the room but it's too dark. Someone is calling my name but I can't see them either.

"Katniss!"  
My eyes fly open and startled I throw myself back against the wall before realizing I'm safe and sound, still in my bed. It's not too dark in the room and I can easily see Vicky's face a few feet away.  
"I'm sorry I scared you, but you were whimpering in your sleep as if you had a nightmare. I thought I'd better wake you up."  
"Oh, right. Thanks. Did I wake you up? I'm sorry if I did."  
"It's alright, I'm about to get up in an hour anyway."  
My heart rate is almost back to normal and I smile at Vicky before she gets back into her own bed.  
"Are you very nervous? About the concert?" she asks.  
Am I? Well yeah, obviously. I'm even having nightmares about it.  
"Yeah, a bit."  
I'm more scared than nervous though. In a way it's going to be like in my dream. I'm going to feel people's gazes on me. I'm going to feel exposed. But I won't be alone. I will be backed up by the band. Cashmere won't be able to put her heels in our backs cause she's going to be busy lying on the ground herself. The band can do great without her, can do _better_ without her, I try to convince myself.  
"You're so cool," Vicky sighs.  
I smirk to myself. 'Cool' is definitely something I'm _not_, but it's nice someone thinks I am.


	6. Chapter 5 - All The Things She Said

_**Author's Note:** Sorry for the late update, but here it is: chapter five! Contains some of my absolute favourite moments ;)  
__Cheers!_

* * *

**All The Things She Said**

Fridays we have Student's Choice, which isn't mandatory. Basically the classrooms are open from nine am to three pm, with lunch break from noon to one pm as usual, and the teachers are present only to help with assignments and maintain order. You may enter or leave a classroom as you wish, as long as there's an empty seat and you don't disturb the other students. It's like doing homework but with a tutorer and access to subject-specific equipment. The last few weeks I've devoted myself exclusively to Effie's subjects these hours, all so I can steal glances of her rushing around trying to help everybody. I've been alternating between Drawing and Painting so it wouldn't look too suspect. Fortunately, for Effie, the Drawing Room and Painting Hall are located wall to wall with a door connecting the two areas. During Fridays this door is open. This Friday though, I'm not in any of those rooms. I'm not staring at the doorway, waiting for Effie to appear once again. In fact I'm not looking for her at all, quite the opposite. She hasn't contacted me yet and I'm trying to avoid her until she does. I know I'll act weird if I have to interact with her face to face and I don't want anyone to notice.

"That's not da Vinci," I hear a teasing voice remark as someone very dark and leathery slumps down in the seat beside me.  
"Right now I'm more concerned about learning the lyrics for for tomorrow night than studying Art History, you know. Gotta prioritize wisely!"  
"Gotcha."  
I discreetly glance at Johanna as she pulls up notes and a heavy book. What is she doing here anyway?  
"I thought you seniors had Mrs Enobarbus?"  
"Yeah, well, I sorta kinda failed my Art History test yesterday. Tough day, couldn't think straight. Becuase, you know, I'm gay."  
I can't help to giggle quietly.  
"I'm hilarious, I know," she smirks smugly. "Anyway, I usually get good grades so Mrs Enobarbus is angry with me at the moment. I'm trying this 'out of sight, out of mind' strategy."  
"I see, that makes two of us."  
"Oh really? Who are you avoiding?"  
I've done it again. I've said too much. Groaning inwardly I wonder if I'll ever learn to think before I speak.  
"No, I... Um... Nevermind."  
"You are weird, Katniss. But I like you anyway."  
"Wow, you _like_ me all of a sudden? Cause up until yesterday we had barely spoken to each other and then you raged at me", I point out sarcastically.  
"Come on, I _did_ apologize."  
"Still doesn't make us instant friends."  
We glare at each other until I fail to keep a straight face and supressed laughter bubbles up through my nose. "But sure, I'm not gonna complain about you being nice," I admit. She smiles along with me and I actually feel _cool_. The badass senior wants to be my friend!

I sit alone at a small table in the canteen, Peeta is nowhere to be seen. I'm just about to start eating when my phone buzzes. With my fingers crossed I quickly unlock the screen. I've gotten a text from a number I don't recognize, beginning with: 'Hi Katniss! This is my priva...'. My heart rate increases as I open it. As the preview hinted at it's from Effie's private number, saying she thinks it'll probably be the safest way to keep contact. Keep contact, I like that wording. Furthermore she asks if I'm free this evening, suggesting us to meet at her house at six pm. Then there's an address. I recognize the street name and it's not very far, I'll be able to walk. With a foolish smile I reply that I'll be there. But what to wear? Should I do something with my hair instead of my usual braid? Are we going to have dinner together or should I eat before I go? I'm officially panicking and her immediate reply doesn't exactly calm me down.

*It's a date then.*

"You have a date?"  
My heart almost jumps out of my chest when Peeta unexpectedly turns up from behind, giving me a firm pat on my back.  
"Goddammit Peeta! You can't sneak up on me like that!" I exclaim, fumbling with my phone to lock the screen.  
"Sorry," he smirks. "But still, you seem to have date?"  
"No, I haven't," I lie and try to glare angrily at him.  
"She seems to think you have."  
I gasp, how dare he!  
"You're hopeless! It's supposed to be a _secret_, remember?"  
"So you have a date! With a girl. Good for you."  
I shush him and anxiously glance around the canteen.  
"Alright, I'll stop."  
"Yes please, thank you very much."  
"I guess...my days as a fake boyfriend is over?"  
My eyes narrow slightly.  
"Maybe. You have a problem with that?"  
"No... Why would I?"  
I dismiss it with a shrug.  
"Nah, just something Finnick said."  
We're quiet for a while, both staring at my untouched lunch.  
"Aren't you gonna eat that?" Peeta wonders.

Unsurprisingly, my lunch ends up in Peeta's stomach. Mine is way too upset to be able to handle any food. I endure the last couple of hours in class and then meet with the band to rehearse. It's actually easier to focus on the songs than school, cause I'm singing about love and can relate somewhat to the lyrics. When we're done it's almost five pm and I rush to my room. Like a whirlwind I shower, wash and dry my hair. I try to decide which clothes and what makeup to wear. I can't turn up at Effie's place looking like some slug. I'm a total mess, and so is my room. There are clothes scattered everywhere and I'm starting to give up hope. Why is it that when you really need something you never find it? I'm not usually vain but tonight I want to look my best. It's no easy task though, since most of my clothes are pretty comfy and durable.

The door opens behind me and I grab whatever is closest to cover myself with. Of course Vicky has to come in before I'm even dressed.  
"I'll just, um, come back later", she awkwardly excuses herself as she turns in the doorway, quickly shutting the door closed again.  
I check the time and my breath hitches. The walk to Effie's house will take me about twenty minutes if I don't get lost and that means I have to leave in fifteen. Time is up, I have to decide what to wear. My eyes settle on an army green khaki tunic. It's simple, but I know it looks pretty good on me. Then some random black pants, not too washed out. Now when I know I'm not going to wear anything transparent I can finally put some underwear on. I suddenly realize I could've just put on some temporary clothes before and avoided the embarrassing walk-in-incident with Vicky. God, I feel stupid. I'm not used to be so stressed out over my appearance though, I've never cared this much. Trying to hurry up I pull the tunic over my head and tie it fairly tight by my waist. The pants demand a belt and I rummage through my now almost empty closet. I pick one in brown leather, which will go well together with my boots and jacket of the same colour and fabric. Brushing through my raven hair I deciding to keep it the way it is, no braid tonight. I rarely wear makeup so putting mascara on is actually a difficult task for me. When I'm finally satisfied with the result I check the time again, groaning loudly since I should've left by now. Cleaning my room will be a later issue, my next challenge is to do a twenty-minutes-walk in no less than seventeen minutes.

I don't want to run, cause if I do I'll be all sweaty when I arrive. I'm nervous as it is. This is her street now, two endless rows of neat houses with tidy gardens. Kind of boring actually, most of them look the same to me. Not Effie's though, I smile to myself. It must be hers, this one filled with sparkling and colourful decorations. The house number is a match with the one in my text and I waste no time, knowing how punctual Effie is herself. She cares a lot about manners. Like, for example, to be on time, which I luckily am as I press the doorbell. I don't have to wait long before she shows up at the door, greeting me excitedly in a short fashionable cocktail dress. I'm stunned. Surely I expected her to be fancy, like she usually is, but tonight she's outdone herself. The hair is unchanged but that's probably the only thing that is. She's wearing a lot of jewellery and her silky magenta dress fits snugly with only one strap. It reveals a lot more than I'm used to and I try not to blush. Puffy wrinkles resemble a great rose around her hips and upper thighs, showing fairly much of her bare legs as well. A glittery silver belt is defying her waist, matching her eye shadow and a pair of shiny pumps. Her lipstick is the same dark shade of pink as the dress and I wonder what it would feel like to kiss them.

I realize I've been staring for quite some time and avert my eyes. Summing it up she's very pink, very shiny, very rosy and...very Effie. I feel totally out of place in my casual outfit. At least I made an effort to put that mascara on. Wait, did I even greet her back? I open and close my mouth a couple of times, failing in my attempts of breaking the silence.  
"Hi," I finally managed to say. "You look..."  
Amazing. Beautiful. Captivating. Dazzling. Enchanting. Fabulous. I could go through the whole alphabet.  
"...stunning."  
The accuracy of my choice of words is quite striking and Effie flashes me an amusemed smile.  
"Thank you, Katniss. That tunic suits you well, by the way."  
It's hard to believe she just complimented me back, considering I look nothing compared to her. Feels good though, really does.  
"Thanks," I reply shyly.  
"Well, it's rather chilly out here," she states, glancing warily towards a car that pulls over and stops across the street. "Why don't you come in."  
It's more of a demand than a suggestion and I quickly step inside so she can close the door behind me.  
"People tend to gossip a lot in these quarters, we don't need to encourage them."

Alone at last, or so I believe until Effie shows me the living room. The center of attention in the room is a wooden coffee table, very dark and expensive-looking, standing in front of a stylish black and white sofa. It's framed by two armchairs, one black and the other white. In the black one there's a tangle of blankets from which a dark brown head with pointy nose perks up.  
"That is _mahogany_!"  
I'm not quite sure if Effie is referring to the table or the dog, or possibly both, and shoot her a questioning look.  
"The dog, dear," she explains, as it jumps down and quietly approaches us. "But the table is indeed mahogany, so you have to be careful with that!"  
The dog sniffs cautiously at the back of my hand once I've went down on my haunches. It's really slender and looks pretty strange with those ridiculously long legs. Almost like a stick figure.  
"What breed is it?" I ask curiously, getting up on my feet again.  
"She's an Italian Greyhound."  
"Oh, like a smaller version of those racing dogs?"  
"Yes, she's really fast," Effie nods proudly, "but must always be on a leash or in a fenced area. She ran away once and caught a squirrel!"  
Her expression changes to one of horror and I understand it wasn't a pleasant experience for her. Too me it seems kind of cool though, with a dog that can hunt like that.

I hear clinking of porcelain nearby and frown at the thought of a third person being in the house.  
"There's someone else here?" I ask, a thousand questions gathering in my mind.  
"Oh, just my housekeeper. Don't worry about her," Effie brushes it aside with a dismissive gesture.  
The relief is great but I can't really let it go that easily. How much does Effie intend to let her housekeeper know?  
"The dinner seems to be ready. I hope you like sushi!"  
"I've never had sushi actually, but I'd like to try it."  
She takes my arm and gently guides me into the kitchen, letting go the moment we enter. I wish she didn't but it gives me a hint of how to act in front of the old woman now facing us.  
"This is Katniss, my student," Effie introduces me. "Katniss, this is Mags. She does all kinds of work around the house and this dinner is mostly her creation." Mags smiles warmly and nods in acknowledgement, a glint in her eye. I immediately like her.  
"We have a few important matters to discuss, would you mind taking Magohany for a decent walk?"  
With a knowing smile, as if she's perfectly aware of what's going on, the gray-haired woman looks at me before leaving the room. This confuses me a bit but Effie appears to be oblivious.  
"Please, sit down!"  
She gestures towards one of the chairs and places herself opposite to it. With shaky legs I walk round the table, Effie's gaze following me. Small pieces of colourful and appetizing sushi are lying on our plates and with horror I realize we're going to eat with chopsticks. I awkwardly pick them up, not sure how to hold them. Effie notices my dismay and lets out a soft laugh.  
"Let me show you."  
She reaches over the table and puts one of her hands over mine, placing the sticks correctly with the other. Her touch is tender and I blush slightly, glad for the dim lightning concealing it somewhat.

While I struggle with the unfamiliar utensils, hardly getting any food in my mouth initially, she looks as urbane as ever. We first chat a little about the origin of the dish, then school and things in general. Neither of us wants to ruin the moment by bringing up the reason I'm here. Eventually we have to discuss it though, Mags won't be away forever.  
"Enough with the small talk, don't you think?" Effie suggests with raised eyebrows.  
"Mhm," I nod, as I still have food in my mouth and don't want to spit it out on her.  
"Well, I guess we should continue where we left yesterday..."  
She starts fidgeting with her hands and I understand she's waiting for some sort of response. Quickly swallowing my mouthful of sushi I push myself to speak up.  
"Um yeah... How _do_ you really feel? About me, I mean?"  
"I liked you from the start," she admits, glancing down at her relatively empty plate. "You were this kind and talented 'good student' that every teacher dreams of having, how could I not like you? But after a while I realized there was more to it than that. I was more than just a teacher proud of her student. And I couldn't tell anyone. Couldn't let anyone know. Especially not you."

It feels strange. Being here in her house, in her kitchen, listening to her as she talks about _me_. How can this be for real? It is though, and after a while Effie directs the question back to me. I don't know what to say at first, moistening my lips thinking of how to reply. I love her, I really think I do. I'm just afraid to admit it, to say it out loud. Would probably be inappropriate to confess this early on anyway. This leaves me with only one option: describing the emotional journey I've been on since Christmas break. She looks pleased, if slightly confused, after I've told her my story.  
"But... What about that Peeta boy?"  
"No, that was just to see if you got jealous or not," I explain, rather embarrassed.  
"Oh I got jelaous!" she admits sharply.  
"I'm sorry I had to do that. I would rather have kissed you instead, if I could," I say, my cheeks reddening further.  
An expression of pain appears on her face.  
"You see, that's the problem. You can't."  
I'm utterly devastated, my voice small.  
"You don't want me to?"  
Effie rises from her chair and walks over to me. She gestures me to stand up to face her and I do so, although barely trusting my legs to carry me. With a sad smile she reaches forward and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear.  
"I do."

Her lips are soft and taste like strawberries. I've been fantasizing about this moment for so long it feels surreal now it's actually happening. I open my eyes and pull back gently, taking in every inch of her. She's gazing into my eyes with such intensity, the world around us could as well be destroyed and we wouldn't notice. Her lips are still slightly parted, which makes me want to kiss them again, but before I have a chance to do so she presses them tight together and looks away. Breathing shallowly she swallows and clenches her teeth, jaw muscles tensing. Her chin is trembling and her voice so faint it's barely a whisper.  
"This is wrong."  
"Is it, really?" I question, taking her hand and interweaving our fingers.  
Her eyes settle on our entangled hands, a tiny smile lightning her face up somewhat. She squeezes my hand tight and looks up, meeting my desirous gaze with concern in her own blue eyes.  
"It's against the rules of the university. We can't be together. I don't wish to make any trouble for you and complicate your studies. You have only just started and possess so much talent. I'd hate to let that go to waste because of me."  
"I don't care about the rules! I..."  
I realize she only mentioned how it could affect _me_ if we were caught. Nothing about what she's putting at risk. She could lose her job. Her reputation would be forever damaged.  
"I'm willing to do this whatever the risks. I have to! I need you..."  
I choke up, the tears in my eyes threatening to overflow.  
"...I love you."  
Effie's hand comes up to cover her mouth in agitation. With tears rolling down our cheeks we embrace each other tightly, my heart breaking into a million pitiful pieces.


	7. Chapter 6 - Breathe For Love Tomorrow

**Breathe For Love Tomorrow**

Tears blur my vision all the way home. I don't bother to check my phone for new messages, they don't matter anyway. All I can think about are those hurtful words. 'We can't be together', she said. Then she kissed me. If there ever was a god he must have left, cause why make two people fall in love and then forbid them to be together? It doesn't make any sense to me. I find the way I'm treated by the universe very cruel. Where am I supposed to go from here? How can I move on? At least Vicky is out when I get home, so no annoying questions about my teary face are asked. Mentally exhausted from the day's events I go straight to bed. I don't even want to brush my teeth, cause that would be like cleaning all of Effie away. Still tasting her strawberry lipstick on my mouth I slowly cry myself to sleep, hoping I'll never wake up again.

Despite my death wish I find myself awake and very much alive the following morning. Physically, that is. Spiritually, my soul feels ripped out, leaving me with nothing but a hollow space of darkness inside. The cheerful tune that serves as my morning alarm almost intimidates me and I quickly turn it off. Switching on the autopilot I get ready for work, feeling like a zombie. Today was supposed to be fun, the concert tonight and everything. I'm still going to sing though, can't let the band down. Actually, it might be just what I need. Something to take my mind off my miserable life. Taking orders and serving customers at Coffee &amp; Cream might not be as efficient.

Taking a deep breath I try to clear my mind. The day has been a disaster so far. I've messed several orders up and. I was right when I thought working at the cafe wouldn't suffice, it really didn't. After enduring eight long hours of messing up orders and forgetting things I'm actually looking forward to the gig. I need something to _really_ occupy my mind with, to be consumed by. On the way home I hum through the songs for tonight, satisfied when I remember all the lyrics. The first song is, due to being very electronic, pretty hectic for Madge so I'll do most of the choiring. Then it's time for me to lead the following three tracks, Madge as second vocalist, before we all come together to sing along with Finnick during the, originally, last song. Johanna was prepared to do the bonus track solo but I volunteered to assist her. We decided that I'll do the verses, she'll do the choruses, and we'll sing the bridge and last chorus in unison. I keep rehearsing the performance in my head as I open the heavy door to my section. Walking along the corridor and into the kitchen I suddenly stop, surprised.  
"Hi Peeta, what are you doing here?" I ask, and he comes over to hug me.  
"I cooked you dinner," he smiles fondly and guides me to sit at the table. "I figured that would be the only way to get to speak with you before the gig. Plus, I have some bad news. Mum called before and they need me back at the farm. Dad hurt his leg and they couldn't find anyone to cover for him with such short notice. I'll be back Monday, but this means I'll miss your performance tonight. I'm sorry."

I let his words sink in while he places a bowl of chicken soup in front of me. He then hands me a basket full of, as I notice when I grab a couple, still warm slices of bread.  
"Freshly baked bread, hot off the oven. Only for you!"  
"Oh Peeta, you didn't have to! It's okay you can't come tonight, I'll survive."  
I give him a reassuring smirk and put some butter and cheese on the bread slices. They taste deliscious, and so does the soup.  
"This is _so_ good. Why don't you make me dinner every day?"  
"Well, I don't try to bribe you into telling me about your _date _every day, do I?"  
I almost choke.  
"You alright?"  
"Ahem, yeah. Just that...it didn't go very well."  
I feel tears gathering in my eyes, like I haven't cried enough already.  
"Oh Katniss. I didn't know. Is it really that bad?"  
"I think so," I say and sniffle.  
A tear drops down into my soup and Peeta lays an arm around my sholders to comfort me.  
"I'm sure you'll find someone else. It's probably not what you wanna hear right now but if she doesn't want you she's not worthy of your love!"  
He's just trying to make me feel better but the effect is rather the opposite. The problem is not lack of want, lack of feelings. The problem is the damned rules of the University! Filled with disdain I fight back the tears and push the heartache away, burying it deep inside. I'm not going to cry. I'm going to eat this nice dinner, pretend I'm alright and then, when it's time, I'm going to sing like I've never sung before.

At eight pm sharp I leave my room, catching sight of Madge further down the hallway. It's a bit of a mystery to me how I've never noticed her before, us being practically neighbours for half a year. One reason could of course be her shyness. She doesn't really _want_ to be noticed. I'd say she's fairly successful in that area, considering I usually think of myself as an observant person. She turns her head and smiles faintly when she sees me, looking about as calm as I feel. That would be not calm at all, just to clarify. We exit together and head towards Finnick and Gale, who are already outside.  
"Hi there! Psyched?" Finnick asks.  
Madge replies with a displeased grimace, making the two guys laugh heartily.  
"You gotta work on them nerves of steel, Madge, how many times must I tell you?" Gale banters and nudges her shoulder gently, as if she would break if he was more forceful.  
Seeing them interact like that reminds me of yesterday night and puts me in a bad mood. No crying, I remind myself. Turning my back against the others I gaze through the east iron gate. Effie's direction. Will I ever have the chance to visit her again? Unlikely.

I'm glad when Johanna finally shows up so we can start moving, Gale and Magde taking the lead.  
"Right on time as usual, Miss Mason," Finnick applauds, his voice full of irony.  
"Ha-ha, very funny. Just because you're such a prick I'm gonna go with my new best friend Katniss instead!" she retorts and links arms with me.  
Finnick puts his hands up in surrender and strides after the two sophomores by himself. Johanna winks playfully at me and I can't help to smile. Those two are certainly bickering like an old married couple. I stay silent as we walk and after a few minutes Johanna turns her head, looking at me searchingly.  
"What's up with you? You're awfully quiet."  
"How would you know? I mean we're not _actually _best friends, what if I'm always like this?"  
"Oh yeah, cause you've been so depressed the other times we've met... Of course I can see something's bothering you, I'm not stupid."  
It's not like telling people will change anything. With a sigh I decide to let her know.  
"I went on a date with my crush and she turned me down," I say, keeping my gaze directed forward.  
"Oh no, she did? What a bitch. Do you want me to beat her up for you?"  
The offer, which seems fairly serious, makes my eyes widen. Johanna has an odd way of consoling me. Truth is, though, that I find it rather comforting. Not that I want her to beat Effie up, the mere thought is horrifying, but it's nice to know that she cares. I'm still new to this friendlier side of her.

When we first arrive at The Cornucopia everyone is very busy. People are giving orders and instruments are being carried around. I stay close to Finnick, he seems to have the situation under control. There are other bands here as well and we'll perform as number three. When all the soundchecks are done everyone calms down significantly. Then the club opens and people start entering. And drinking. Band number one is getting ready and soon their music fills the air. I try to listen and enjoy myself but I'm so tense I just can't. Way too soon the second band are about to leave the stage. It feels like they just started and I have no idea what they've played or what they're called, just that now it's my turn to go up there. Johanna suddenly elbows me in the ribs and points towards a certain blonde.  
"Ouch!" I exclaim but she's too busy eyeing Cashmere to take notice.  
"Target spotted! Take your aim, cause we're gonna get that bitch down off her high horse!" she growls through gritted teeth, radiating anger and excitement. With little effort she rushes forward and jumps onto the stage, quickly followed by Gale. Finnick is slightly more sophisticated and runs up the short flight of stairs instead. With much grace, of course, cause he's... Well, _Finnick_. Why do they all have to be so cool? I'm going to look like a total fool compared to them. But there's no return and I brace myself. It's time.

"Nerves?" I hear a thin voice beside me.  
Madge attempts to smile but fails. She's usually pale but right now unhealthily so. For a moment I forget about my own struggles.  
"Yeah, how about you? You don't look too well."  
"I'm always like this before a gig, it gets better as soon as I'm behind my keyboard. Do you mind to help me fetch it?"  
I follow her as she ascends the stairs and then head for the back. The keyboard is heavy and I wonder what in the world Madge would've done if I hadn't been here. Clearly someone else would've been obliged to help her. I find the microphone marked 'Pay's Kat', trying to get a good grip of it despite my sweaty palms. With pounding heart I walk to my position at the front, slightly to the right. When everyone is settled Finnick presents the band, pointing out that the lead singer has been replaced. I dare to steal a glance at Cashmere. She doesn't look happy and I cheer inwardly. Afterall, I'm the one standing on the freaking stage while she's down there. It's like I've already won, and she knows it.


	8. Chapter 7 - Dance Our Tears Away

**_Author's Note__:_**_ Just in case I'll give a little warning: **t****his chapter contains some adult themes!**__ I consider it T Rated but who knows..._

* * *

**Dance Our Tears Away**

"_I kissed a girl and I liked i-it. I liked i-it."_  
The crowd cheers like crazy and soon falls into a chant I didn't quite expect.  
"Kiss kiss kiss kiss!"  
I turn to Finnick but he just shrugs and looks as surprised as I am. Gale and Madge aren't any more helpful and I glance towards Johanna in the back. She has one of her smug faces on and gives me a questioning look. For the band, I think, I'll do it for the band. I give a barely visible nod and Johanna stands. As she comes forward on the stage, Finnick speaks into his mic.  
"We are the Panem Audio Assassins! Thank you for having us tonight, this is to all of you!"  
I'm practically shaking but not only from nervousness, this is pretty exciting as well. Johanna takes the lead and I don't complain. She grabs my shoulders and pull me in, tilting her head slightly. It's a bit weird, engaging in front of a crowd like this. Especially considering it's technically my third kiss. Ever. Up until this week I had never been properly kissed and all of a sudden I have, by three different people nontheless! Slowly becoming a slut, I think, giggling inwardly at my silent joke.

"Hey, that was pretty brave of you," Madge compliment me and Johanna afterwards.  
"Yeah, and it surely promoted you as our new singer, Katniss, I'll tell you that!" Gale adds.  
I want to shrug and tell them it was no big deal but instead I blush awkwardly. It was a big deal.  
"What doesn't one do for the team, right?" Johanna says, stealing my words.  
I simply agree with her, not bothering to come up with a new clever reply.  
"You two," Finnick points towards me and Johanna as he joins the group, "deserve gold stars. The fans were lyric for you!"  
"Not too lyric I hope. Remember what we promised Katniss," Johanna reminds him.  
"Oh, yeah, that could be a problem considering how things turned out."  
I cut into the conversation, ensuring them it's alright.  
"Let them have their fun. At least _we_ know the real facts."  
I've come to the conclusion that a little gossip about me and Johanna won't be too bad, actually. That way nobody will figure out who I _really_ like, or at least prolonging the process.

As the others head for the bar it suddenly dawns on me. This is it. Even though I just wanted to lie down and cut the world off I had to keep going, for _them._ Now it's all over. I suddenly feel extremely empty. My broken heart starts to remind me just how broken it actually is and I look around at the people partying. That could be me. Drowning your sorrows in alcohol is nothing new, it's been done for centuries. But I, of all people, should know better. I mean, see how great that went for my dad. A freaking alcoholic. I've said it so many times: 'I don't drink'. I wanted to prevent myself from doing the same mistakes he did. I understand him better now though. The truth is I _finally _understand. Glancing towards the bar I shift my weight from one leg to the other, still hesitating. Things have changed. Nothing really matters to me anymore. Unlike my father I don't have any kids. No one will suffer from my actions, no one but me and I'm already suffering. Just for tonight, I don't care if I get drunk. Actually that's exactly what I'm hoping for when I approach the least crowded part of the bar counter.

The drinks are basically soda with a hint of alcohol and don't taste too bad. Then someone recognizes me as 'The new Pay's singer' and asks me to share a tray full of black shots with him. They're terrible and my throat feels like it's burning up. I keep a much slower pace than the guy, afterall it's my first time and I don't want to be sick. Just...drunk. I soon get aware of the first effects of the alcohol. It's like the impulses take longer time to travel from my limbs to my brain, and back again. My eyes and speech are slightly behind as well. The guy puts the last shot in front of me and I squeeze my eyes shut, needing two gulps to get it down. People are suddenly cheering around me and I get a bit confused. I hadn't realized I was some sort of public attraction but oh well. After this my stage of drunkenness rapidly changes and things get a bit hazy. I don't even know these guys but for tonight I'm just going to be reckless and do whatever comes to my mind. A great while later a grinning Johanna shows up, calling out a peppy 'hiya' to my face.  
"I thought you said you didn't drink!"  
"Thhat wass befhore yestherrday!" I yell back, not even trying to give a sober impression.  
"Yesterday?"  
"The date," I enlighten her.  
She seems to get it and pats my shoulder with a sympathetic expression.  
"Right! But you know, shit happens. We can be hurt together, you and I."  
Her face suddenly brightens up.  
"Hey, I know how to make you feel better. Come and dance with me!"  
Not taking no for an answer she grabs my arm and drags me away from the bar. I stagger notably and she supports me down the four low steps to the dance floor, making sure I don't trip and fall flat on my face. This is a one off, I tell myself. I might as well make the most of it.

The world is spinning oddly and dancing is harder than ever. It's not awkward though, not even when Johanna moves closer and starts grinding me. Our slight difference in physique and height makes us a convenient couple once we get into some sort of rythm. I'm not sure how we get from grinding to exploring each other's mouths but somehow that happened. At some point she must've turned around and faced me. A thought runs through my brain: someone could see us. I pull back unsteadily and keep my balance by holding onto Johanna, having a hard time focusing my gaze. What about Effie? No, screw her. She doesn't even have the guts to be with me.  
"Are you alright?" Johanna yells to get heard above the loud music.  
"Yeaahh... I'm fffine!" I slur.  
Adding to the irony I almost trip over as I speak. Even in my intoxicated state I do realize I'm more drunk than I probably should be. I wouldn't say I'm concerned but I'm aware. The raven haired girl in front of me laughs and places her hand around my waist.  
"If this wasn't your first time I wouldn't care but I think you should go home, drink some water and go to sleep, honestly."  
I feel slightly offended and pout with my lower lip. This causes her to laugh again, completely out of proportion. Satisfied I'm not the only one drunk I don't protest when she leads me towards the exit. Some guy holds the door and the cold hits us when we get outside. It's not too bad though, cause Johanna still has her arm around me.

After a while I notice it's a really starry night and it looks amazing. I'm totally overwhelmed and stop to look up the sky.  
"Thhere are tooo many ssstars!"  
"That's because you see double, brainless."  
Johanna teasingly bumps my shoulder and the thought of my empty bed is suddenly not very appealing. I need something, or _someone_, to fill the void inside of me.  
"I don't wanna go home," I blurt out.  
Johanna sighs with feigned irritation.  
"Well, I'm still going home to _my_ place and I can't leave you here by your own, can I?"  
It's obviously a rhetorical question but I'm a little slow and look around, wide eyed.  
"Noo, you can't. I don't heven know the way home!"  
She laughs and plants a quick kiss on my cheek before dragging me with her again.  
"Chill out and come on now, we're in the park just outside campus. How much did you have to drink actually?"  
I tell her I have no idea, cause that's the embarrassing truth. She just shakes her head in amused disbelief.

"So yeah, this is my room."  
I don't really pay much attention to what it looks like since the first thing I notice is the large unmade bed in the left corner. I'm really tired and would love to just lay myself down between the messy sheets and call it a night. Johanna seems to have other plans though. Or are they really that different from my own thoughts? She looks me in the eyes, as steadily as she can, then places her lips gently on mine. I decide it feels nice and reciprocate, not pulling back this time. No one can see us here. Deepening the kiss she starts to caress my back and neck with confident hands. I try to follow suit best I can, not really knowing what else to do. Entangled like this we move to the bed and she breaks the kiss to roughly push me down onto it. Pinning my hands down with her own, she hungrily places a trail of kisses down my neck. I gasp from the sensation it sends through my body and this encourages the older girl further.

She's half-way through undressing me when I realize what I'm actually doing. I'm about to have sex with a person that isn't the one I love. Surely I _like_ Johanna, otherwise I wouldn't be half naked on her bed, but not the way I love Effie. I know she turned me down but we _both_ also know our feelings for each other are strong. To me that is what matters. More than words. I can't give up on her that easily. Suddenly feeling a lot less drunk I push Johanna away.  
"No, stop," I exclaim, rising up to sit on the now even messier bed.  
"What? I thought you were into this!"  
"Changed my mind."  
She looks both upset and disappointed and I feel a bit guilty. It wasn't like I didn't lead her on.  
"I'm sorry, it just doesn't feel right. It's like I'm cheating on her!"  
"Didn't you tell me she turned you down?"  
"Yeah, but... No, not like that. It's complicated. I'm not ready to let go of her yet."

"Okay. But I'm not looking for a relationship, you know. I just wanted some fun really," Johanna explains after a moment of silence.  
What about me, what was _I_ looking for? I don't know. Perhaps my subconscious wanted her as some sort of rebound. Everything just feels wrong and I hastily climb off the bed, searching for my stripped off clothes.  
"No please, will you at least stay the night? Don't bother to stumble around in the halls, drunk and alone, at this hour."  
I look at her, trying to evaluate if she's playing any foul tricks on me. That doesn't seem to be the case.  
"But what will people think?"  
"If you avoid sneaking out with shame written on your face tomorrow everything will be fine. I'm just gonna say you had one too many, which is true, and that I wanted to keep an eye on you.  
I nod, seems like a good plan to me. She fetches a couple of night wears, handing me one before changing causally right in front of me. She smirks when she notices my ogling.  
"Second thoughts, have you?"  
"N-no... I'm just not used to..."  
I hint towards her fit and nicely shaped body and blush. A fair amount of tatoos are covering her skin but other than that, nothing but panties. The night wear rests in her hands, waiting to be put on.  
"You get used to it. For instance, you being topless doesn't bother me at all", she admits jokingly, causing me to blush deeper.  
I quickly pull the over-sized t-shirt she's given me over my head. Alcohol does make your brain fuzzy and forgetful.

When we're both back in bed, now lying side by side instead of on top of each other, I think about how crazy this night turned out to be.  
"This is partly why I haven't tried alcohol before," I sigh, staring up the ceiling. "I didn't wanna do stupid things I'd regret afterwards."  
Johanna doesn't reply immediately and I start to wonder if she's already fallen asleep. She hasn't though and turns her face to me.  
"Don't beat yourself up. I know you think you screwed up but I've done some pretty stupid things under the influence of alcohol too. Far worse than this. We only kissed, Katniss. Kind of. I'm not even gonna tell Finnick, so you can chill out."  
Relieved by this I let out my breath, not even aware I was holding it.  
"But you said partly. What are the other reasons?"  
My chest tightens and I feel tears forming in my eyes. I'm so used to keep it hidden I don't know how to tell her, even though I want to. I'm filled with emotion, unable to speak, the alcohol in my blood probably not making things any better.  
"Hey, come here! I didn't mean to upset you."  
I lean into her embrace and start sobbing.  
"My dad," I whisper.


	9. Chapter 8 - Fly With Me

_**Author's Note:** And finally, the last chapter!_

* * *

**Fly With Me**

I don't want to wake up but the room is so bright. My brain feels mushy and my forehead pressured. Not to mention my throat, which is totally dried out. I'm still feeling nauseous as well. Before even opening my eyes I decide I'll never ever drink alcohol again. Something feels odd though and with a racing heart I realize it's usually still dark when I get ready for work. Forcing my eyes open I wonder why my alarm didn't go off. Then I recall turning it off yesterday due to having the day off today. With a relieved sigh I close my eyes again, only to quickly flicker them open having another dust with my bolting heart. The interior of the room is all black and someone has their arm around me. This someone is also breathing on my neck. Actually, I'd say we're spooning. This is not my room, not my bed, and if I'm right not even my dorm. Carefully turning my head I confirm my suspicions. Johanna fucking Mason. I remember being very drunk last night and following her home. I remember kissing her, crying in her arms and both of us being fairly undressed. I'm just not sure in which order those things happened and if there perhaps is something I _don't_ remember.

"_Johanna!_" I hiss, not trusting the walls to hold any louder sounds.  
What did we do really? Why am I still here? And why is she freaking spooning me? It kills me not to know. Oh God, what have I gotten myself into...  
"_Johanna, wake up!_"  
"What?" she mumbles drowsily.  
I firmly grab her limp arm and lift it away from me, then turn around to face her. She groans and makes a miserable grimace before looking up at me, initially confused.  
"Um, hi? Oh yeah, right. Sorry, I'm just a little slow, you know. Too much water yesterday."  
She smiles ironically and takes a closer look at me.  
"Are you alright? You look like you just woke up in bed with a stranger."  
Guilty. I swallow awkwardly and shift my eyes.  
"Oh...!" it dawns on her. "You think...that we...? You don't remember? Wow. No, no we didn't."  
It feels like a heavy weight is suddenly lifted from my shoulders.  
"We were pretty close to it though, but you changed your mind."  
"Thank God."  
I didn't mean to say it out loud and immediately regret doing so.  
"You know what? I'm actually offended now. I'm not some random pervy stranger who lured you into my nest."  
"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It just slipped out. I should probably go..."  
She shrugs and stretches her arms over her head, then asks if I remember our deal. I don't, so she tells me again about what we decided the night before. I really appreciate what she's doing for me. Nonetheless I want to get away as soon as possible, since I'm feeling rather queasy. There's not a chance in the world we're having breakfast together and I really need to drink some water and get something in my stomach. I get changed and hand the borrowed nightwear to Johanna, who throws it on the floor. Well, the mess of dirty laundry, magazines and junk resembling her floor. With one last look at her I take a deep breath to clear my mind. I put my pokerface on and press the handle down. Hopefully the rumors won't get too bad.

I'm back in my room, feeling a bit better. I've had breakfast and a shower, then went to get a few additional hours of sleep. I'm awakened by Vicky entering the room.  
"Oh my God, Katniss, where have you been? It's two pm!"  
"Um, well, I kinda stayed out late and slept at a mate's," I explain, trying to appear casual.  
The fact that it's the first time I'm using this excuse makes me feel awkward though.  
"That's not like you," Vicky points out with a frown. "Miss Trinket was here looking for you earlier, apparently you haven't been answering her calls."  
"Shit! My phone must be turned off."  
I jump out of bed and grab my phone, impatiently pressing the power button.  
"You've been acting really weird this week. Has something happened?"  
I glance up at her. She's sitting on her bed across the room, looking concerned.  
"Yeah, you could say that," I sigh. "But don't worry, I'll be alright."  
At least I hope I will. With trepidation I glance down at the screen of my smartphone. Five messages and since it's been turned off I'll never know how many calls. Three of the texts are from Effie: eleven pm yesterday, nine this morning and noon.

*Hi, how are you holding up? I feel  
terrible. Couldn't sleep yesterday,  
feeling I'd lost you. I don't know if we  
can make this work but I've realized I  
want us to try. Can you come over  
tonight, so we can talk about it?  
Hugs and kisses /Effie*

*Did you get my message last night?  
I understand if you're upset with me  
but please answer... /Effie*

*I'm seriously worried now. Visited  
your dorm and your roommate didn't  
know where you were either. Please  
call me back as soon as you get this!*

Shit. Shit shit shit. I press the call button and quickly stands, looking for some proper clothes to put on. Effie answers on the first ring.  
"Hi! Where have you been? I came looking for you but you weren't there!"  
"I'm _really really_ sorry, my phone was turned off and I forgot and..."  
I can't tell her about yesterday night, can I? How I got really drunk and almost slept with the school's sassiest chick, staying with her all night when I could've been with Effie instead. If only I hadn't forgot to turn my phone on.  
"And...?"  
"I...um..."  
I meet Vicky's questioning gaze. It's too risky to even try to explain when she's present. Even if she was really slow-witted, which she's not, she'd figure out what's going on between me and our teacher. The situation demands a private conversation, face to face.  
"I'll come over with the project immediately, Miss Trinket!" I say, hoping she'll get the hint.  
"Oh, you have company?"  
"Mm," I answer vaguely, afraid to give any more details away.  
Vicky might get suspicious cause it's none of a teacher's business to know whom I hang out with.  
"Well, yes, you can come here. It's probably for the best anyway. We have an important matter to discuss."  
I gulp, yes we have. More than she thinks. I have a lot to explain.

All I can think about is that I might have a chance with Effie after all. She seems to have come to a conclusion. _But_, and there's a big but, taking tonight's events into the equation might ruin my chances. Heading east, the streets more familiar now than two days ago, I run like my life depends on it. I push myself to keep running, despite my poor condition. It turns out to be a bad move though, cause when I arrive at her house a few minutes later I have both a splitting headache and feel nauseous again. Panting heavily, I press Effie's doorbell for the second time in my life. I listen to the extraordinary tune as it goes off, trying to calm my stomach down. It takes longer than last time. She probably didn't expect me to show up so soon. Then the door swings open and reveals a surprisingly natural-looking Effie.  
"That was quick. Did you run all the way?" she asks, looking rather uncomfortable in the simple and casual dress she's wearing.  
I can't answer right away cause as soon as I see her my tummy twists with anticipation, making me feel like I'm seriously going to throw up. With both hands covering my mouth I turn away, desperately trying to keep my breakfast down.

"Are you alright? You're not ill, are you?"  
She's all concerned and I feel ashamed of myself. For turning up in this state and for what I've done. I dread the moment I have to tell her. The nausea eases off a bit and I turn back to the doorway.  
"Not really..."  
She eyes me closely and doubt enters her features.  
"Are you..._drunk?_"  
She says it like she can't believe it, won't believe it. As if the mere word is contagious. I can't stop the tears demanding to come out and they start streaming down my face.  
"I'm sorry!" I cry, not knowing what to do. "I'm so, so sorry! I was hurt and made a really bad decision!"  
I can't see Effie clearly anymore, the tears blurring my vision. She comes out and puts her hand firmly on my back.  
"The neighbours!" she admonishes and pushes me inside. "Just try not to be sick, okay? And if you must, please spare the furniture."

I'm sitting on the two-toned sofa in her living room, Mahogany in my lap. The dog seemed to immediately sense my distress and came to comfort me. She even tried to lick the tears off of my face. Effie enters the room with a glass of water in her hand.  
"She likes you. Normally it takes many visits before she trusts someone."  
I give her a crooked smile when she offers me an aspirin. I gratefully accept and swallow the pill down with a mouthful of the water.  
"Thanks."  
"You're welcome."  
A strained silence follows our stifly exchanged courtesies. Effie places a drink coaster on the table and sits down in the other end of the sofa. My hands are trembling slightly and I put the glass down, afraid to spill my drink out. I don't want to give the housholder another reason to be upset with me. Cautiosly glancing at her I notice she barely has any makeup on. For the first time since I came to Panem I'm able to observe what she really looks like, underneath all those layers of foundations, powders and colourful cosmetics. I can see just how beautiful she truly is and it's beyond me how anyone would want to cover that face. Not that I don't find her pretty in her usual flamboyant 'war paint', but to make such an effort? I mean it must take hours for her to get ready for work. Yeah, work, that's probably why she's not all dolled up. It's Sunday. I figure she must've been pretty desperate to show up at campus like this and can only imagine how exposed she probably felt. It's my turn now, to grow some balls and show her I've got a backbone. But where do I start?

"My dad's an alcoholic," I hear myself reveal. "I said to myself that I would never drink any alcohol. Yet, I did. It wasn't what I planned for, not my intention when I got to the club. I was there with the band and after our performance the others went to have a drink. The opportunity was just simply there. And opportunity makes a thief, right?"  
Effie has her eyes on me, not looking away for a second. I've got her full attention. But what is she thinking? I can't read her face.  
"Briefly, I got really drunk, made out with a girl and followed her home."  
I swallow anxiously, it surely sounds bad. Not meeting her gaze I continue.  
"We... We got on the bed but I stopped as soon as I realized what I was doing. We didn't... You know..."  
I trail off, not wanting to say those words. Effie is still quiet and I keep my eyes at the floor. Why is she so quiet? It doesn't bode well.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" she finally asks, her voice frosty.  
"No," I faintly reply.  
"I don't know what to say."  
Neither do I, but I'm determined to make her understand how sorry I am.  
"Who was it anyway? If you even remember."  
Her sharp tone cuts through me like knives but I figure I probaly deserve it.  
"Does it matter? You're not gonna give her a hard time if I tell you?"  
"She's a student? One of _my_ students?"  
For a moment I wish I had made something up instead. The truth is harsh and hurtful.  
"Yeah..."  
"It's Johanna, isn't it?"  
How the hell did she know? But of course, Johanna is a member of the band and, as of recent, an outed lesbian.  
"Was, Effie, there's nothing between us two!" I call out, snapping my head up.  
I'm surprised to find her crying, her voice didn't sound as if she was. Suddenly she seems to realize something.  
"You were still with her this morning. When you called," she presumes, looking defeated.  
"No!" I exclaim. "It was Vicky, I promise!"  
Mahogany is startled by my yelling and leaves, switching my lap for her usual armchair.

"I was so worried. You didn't answer and I thought maybe something had happened. But this... How could I be such a fool? Of course you'd rather have someone your own age than silly old me."  
Effie's face shows so much pain, so much misery. Her very being is radiating resignation. It breaks my already shattered heart to see her like this.  
"You have to forgive me! I was out of my mind because I thought you had abandoned me. I love you, remember? You and only you. You said in your text that you wanted us to make this work and I beg you not to let my stupid mistake change that!"  
"I wish I could believe you. But how can I, after what happened? How am I supposed to trust you?"  
"I don't expect your forgiveness right away, I know it's gonna take some time. But you gotta give me a chance. Have some faith in me, if ever so little. I've even thought about how to turn this..._slip _to our advance. If everybody thinks I'm into Johanna they will only look for signs verifying that theory and hopefully never discover the truth. And I'm not at all trying to justify what I did, it's still terribly wrong and I utterly regret it."

Am I getting through to her? Is that a glimpse of hope I see in her sky blue eyes? She wipes her tears away and takes a deep breath before fixating me with a firm gaze.  
"I can't promise you anything," she starts.  
I can hear my frantic heartbeats and irregular breathing as I wait for her to continue.  
"But I know what I said and I'll stand by my words. I do want this to work. I do want us to try. That's why I'm gonna give you that chance you're asking for."  
She said she couldn't promise me anything but that's exactly what she did. At least half a promise. I crack a relieved smile. That's fifty percent more than I could ask for. Only fifty more to go, to deserve. Effie gives a short humourless laugh and looks away.  
"I'm probably insane for even considering to date one of my students. It's even crazier how little I've come to care about the consequences. I mean, this is still wrong, no matter how we might feel."  
"What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over," I state emphatically. "Keep that in mind."  
"I will," she replies with a gentle smile. "Come here, you misbehaving little youngster."  
I use my hoodie sleeve to dry my cheeks, scooting to her side. She folds her arms around me and I cuddle up against her, like a child seeking solace. In a way I am, and I find what I'm looking for. Resting my head on her chest, I listen to the sound of her beating heart. Du-dum. I could die here and now and be perfectly alright with it. Du-dum. Du-dum. Du-dum.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** The story ends here, cause if I had attempted to write out every idea in my head I wouldn't be finished in another few years or so (probably never cause my endurance isn't that great). But if you would like to know what happens next: post a review or message me and I'll consider doing a **sequel**! I have a few scenes written down already cause I love this pairing so freaking much._

**HAPPY NEW YEAR!**


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